Background Sounds

I didn’t think it would come to this, but the fact is the case of the background sounds has managed to creep it’s way into our twentysomethings. What background sounds am I referring to, you ask yourself? I’m referring to this need men seem to have when you go ‘back to their place’ to automatically turn on their TV (for background noise) before your pretty much predetermined plan to get-it-on. The act always makes me wonder ‘really’? Why do we need the TV on?

I’ve compiled a brief list of the why’s that come to mind, though I must stress, these why’s don’t ever justify the action of turning the tv on. Ever:

– Is it to kill time until he has the balls to make the first move? Because the anticipation isn’t being built when Halloween is on in the background. If anything it acts as a distraction and prolong’s the inevitable act. You end up focussing on the plot and not your libido.

– Is it because it’s awkward to sit in silence? If that’s the case, then he shouldn’t be hooking up with you in the first place because it’s about to get much more awkward.

– Is it because he’s worried he’ll come off looking like horny schoolboy if he pounces on you the second you guys sit on the couch so he turns on the TV to look like a mench? Hey, I have an idea: Let’s pretend to watch something we both don’t care about watching and pretend that what’s about to happen isn’t about to happen. Because we all love to watch TV at 3 a.m.

– Is it because silence is daunting and he wants to use the sound from the TV as a distraction from the variety of sounds that come up when hooking up (yes, those bodily sounds that make even the most liberal-pornstar-of-a-girl shutter in humiliation.) If that’s the case dude, here’s a tip: throw on your iPod or the radio instead. If anything you can rock out to the beat of the tunes and actually ‘set a mood’ while your add it. There’s no mode killer better than a commercial for yeast infection cream coming on just when you were about to.

I’ve unfortunately had the displeasure of hooking up with a ‘background sound’ dude or two. See the catch 22 here is that the guy that needs to put on the TV is likely a guy your not hot-and-heavy with to begin with. So often, the TV is put on and it’s late at night and there’s nothing on but infomercials, soft-core porn and horror films. So the next sub-topic I want to tap into is, which of the three does TV boy choose to turn on?

My personal favourite choice was when a bed buddy of mine put on ‘Seven’ – you know, that thriller about a serial killer? I remember it was the final scene where Kevin Spacey was in the desert and opened up a box and in it was his wife’s head or something. Classy.

The TV has no place in a booty bound chill. Mind you, as soon as the action ensues, the TV only becomes noticeable if the guy is bad in bed, however, after the fact, when you realized you just banged to ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’, something just doesn’t sit as well. How’s that for an aftertaste?

– Jenny Jen

Rebound

If any of you blonde, bronzed, twentysomethings have been through a breakup, you no doubt have been confronted with The Rebound Guy.

Who is The Rebound Guy?

The Rebound Guy is the first guy you date and/or sleep with following the demise of your previous relationship. He is often used for his good looks, charm and undivided attention, but don’t be fooled, the rebound guy doesn’t stand a chance. Because my ladies, no matter how much you want to make something work, and no matter how much you think you’re over whats-his-name, things in life take time and unfortunately, you’re not in the right place. Though, this guy seems bright eyed-and-bushytailed because let’s face it, he has no idea what he is getting himself into. He thinks he’ll be the one to help you move forward, and well, what guy doesn’t like the challenge? But the rebound guy often gets left in the dust when you decide to get together with your ex ‘just one last time.’ Whether you tell him you’re going to, or not, the rebound guy will take a hint, and once you realize that rebound guy is a way better catch than the x-factor, we don’t seem to realize that until our feelings have been watered down.

Where Does one Find The Rebound Guy?

The rebound guy (more often than most) is:

– an old flame. He is a recycled piece-of-meat we once disposed of and suddenly can’t seem to remember why we let him go in the first place. (Hint: Ask your bestie. She will remind you. Listen to her!) With our I-want-to-move-forward rosy-shaded glasses on, he seems more appealing. Oh and comfort never hurt anyone.

– the only person online on Facebook chat. He is available for you to message and reach out to and pass the time by with when you’re feeling lonely. And he responds. Those talks may lead to plans, which leads to him landing the lead role as your rebound guy.

– a breath of fresh air. Friends seem to come out of the woodworks during a breakup (I’m being gentle here – you come out of the woodworks since you were the one who was always consumed with that guy that stole you away.) It’s the time where you get to catch up and remember how lucky you are to have the best, most funnest friends in the world and do fun things without having to be a slave to your cell phone and constant ‘where are you?’ phone calls. With these friends come mutual friends. Male mutual friends. Hot, single, male mutual friends who just so happen to share some interests as you and just so happen to be available this Saturday night. Just like that baby, just like that.

Why Do we Hit Up a Rebound Guy?

We do what we know and we know being with someone. Hence the comfort of getting involved with someone faster than we would’ve had we not just been in a relationship. I’ve always been humoured by my single friends who have been single for a year or so. They are more strict with their expectations in a partner and they aren’t even close to willing to settle. My girlies who were glued to their other halves for the past year seem to instead be dating bandits! Now there is no right or wrong when your ties are cut with your ex (if they aren’t cut, do me, him, yourself and your friends a favour and cut them…now!) But the only mistake you can make is convincing yourself that you and rebound guy have a future. History has proven that this just won’t come of much. So enjoy it for what it is and please, don’t sneak into the washroom on a date with rebound guy to tell no-longer-bound-to-you-guy how much you miss him. We can’t get to our future if our past is present.

– Jenny Jen