How to get someone to leave your bed

You wake up, eyeliner still on (albeit smudged all over your stark white pillow case) and a rats nest of sorts in your golden lockes.  As you go to reach over in hopes of finding a glass of water on your night table, the nights events come flooding back into your pretty little head.  And just as you’re going recollecting that which you can, you remember you have a handsome gentleman in bed with you.  Oh to be single and carefree.  Oh to have such an attraction with another that you can’t resist your inner knowingness that you shouldn’t go home with him on a first date (or first meeting) because god, you’re so not like other girls and he’ll totally categorize you as “one of them.”  But you do what you do best, fall prey to your inner goddess, that need to obtain a conquest – if you will – and just invite him back “for a drink” anyways.

Lucky you.  Lucky him.  That is until both of you wake up and don’t know whether it’s ok to hit it up again, one last hurrah of sorts, or whether you should ask him politely to simply get out of your bed and go home.  But in cases such as these, you never know what to expect.  You never know if you have a stage five clinger, a nymph, a cool dude or a potential mate.  So how do you get him to leave your place?

I had the luxury – and dare i admit, pleasure of – talking with I rip-your-clothes-off attractive gent on the best excuses he has given and would consider giving.  After some not-too-prolonged banter (that was not, i repeat: was not pillow talk,) we devised this list for you how-to-kick-him-out-the-morning-after pleasure:

– tell him you have brunch plans
– a funeral
– have had your contacts in for more than 12 hours and if you don’t change them you can go blind (or just need to change them so they don’t dry in your eyes, for a less dramatic excuse)
– a bar or bat mitzvah
– a business meeting
– someone coming in to instal a new washer/dryer
– call him a cab before he wakes  up and wake him up to tell him it’s waiting outside for him and he needs to get up
– that your parents are in town and coming over in – look at that – half an hour.  Peace!
– that you have a family brunch and he’s welcome to join (he probably won’t)
– you have a niece or nephew’s birthday party
– traveling for work

I’m sure you have more to add to this list.  Talk to me?  What are other grade A excuses to politely and realistically get someone out of your bed?

– Jenny Jen

Photo credit: Source.


One thought on “How to get someone to leave your bed

  1. – “Sorry, I’ve got a court date to get to”: Used this one with a friend’s younger sister. Granted I was the plaintiff in a civil suit so it wasn’t nearly as bad as it might first seem, but nothing gets a 21 year old out of your bed faster than knowing that if she doesn’t, I won’t win and I’ll be pissed off.

    – “What’s your name?”: Generally speaking, asking someone their name once you’ve both woken up comes with subtext, namely “I have no idea what your name is and don’t care, just go home.” This works particularly well if they’re not as good-looking as you are.

    – “I hate snuggling and need my morning sleep-in space.” Again, it makes it clear that while they were fun last night, the fun’s over and it’s time to go home.

    – “Hey, why don’t I grab your number and we can do something later?” 9 times out of 10, this leads to an awkward blathering on about someone’s phone isn’t working but he/she will take your number so that they can call/text you later, but we all know it’s unlikely at best. If it actually works, well, you’ve got a number to use.

    – My absolute, errr, favourite (?), I guess, is the “have your very recent ex-boyfriend walk into your bedroom at 6:30 am and announce that he’s here to fix your computer and WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?” I’ve never, ever gotten dressed and left a girl’s place that fast.

    The idea is to be explicit in your desire to have them leave, without being an awful human being. You want to leave as little room for errors in interpretation as possible. Your family brunch excuse, for example, only works if you don’t add the “welcome to join” clause. Do you really want last night’s one night stand at breakfast with you while mom and dad grill you on how much they’d love grandchildren? Think about it…

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