‘Not Fair,’ is a catchy little diddy by Lily Allen whose lyrics subject matter is the same as today’s blogette. It focuses on the sticky situation of having an almost perfect boyfriend: great guy (finally), good on paper, great chemistry, solid emotional connection, a guy whose never treated you so good, checks in on you during the day and who showers you with love, attention and affection. So what’s the problem? He’s not a great lover. He’s take, take, take, with no giving to be had. But with so much good, should we just accept this and hope over time he gets a little more generous?
Sex and intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and luckily – with a push in the right direction – he can become trained to provide for you just as you do to him. Perhaps he’s been bred a taker in the past, his former flames willingly wanting to do all the work and allowing him to slack off without any repercussions. Or perhaps the last lady he was with wasn’t into receiving any lovin’. No matter what the cause is behind his lack of effect, if it’s a problem for you, then something must be done. I always say that guys will do only so much as they’ve learned they can get away with. So, why are you letting him get away with it? If a spice is the only ingredient you’re missing in your otherwise amazing dish of love, it’s time you let Mr. Close-to Perfect know.
How does one conquer this ‘touchy’ subject, you ask? It’s two fold. Both topics I’ve discussed in the past.
First, it’s all about setting precedents. Like children, we often train our partners (unbeknownst to us) through reward and punishment. They do something good and we’re happy, we reward them; they do something bad and we’re miserable bitches, we punish them. Men learn through our reactions what they can get away with. That’s why – especially early on in a relationship – it’s ever so important to set precedents.
Secondly, if we don’t voice our thoughts (and wants and needs) then we can’t be disappointed with the boys actions. As tough as it is, sometimes we need to be Frank with what we want. Once we ask and he doesn’t meet our needs, then it becomes an issue, but until then – for all we know – the boy doesn’t know any better.
Voice your opinion and set a precedent so you can be one of the lucky ladies who can have her cake and eat it too. Bon appetite!
– Jenny Jen
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