A Tale of Kissing and Telling

Partying. It’s what we twentysomethings do. When Thursday, Friday and Saturday roll around, nightlife becomes the central theme of conversations and outfit choices alike. You go into the weekend nights expecting a fun time with the funnest of your friends (because lets admit it, the boring ones don’t go out) and you come out from it not remembering it/regretting it/wishing it wasn’t a dreaded Sunday so you can begin again and repeat.

I have a particular pretty little friend who I just love going out with. We get ready together, pre-pre drink together, pre-drink together, party at the club of choice together (for the first part of the evening anyways) and then catch up together the next morning, when I’m told a morning-after tale by the title ‘Kiss and Tell,’ in which she my friends, is the author. And boy are her stories juicy. I live vicariously through them, though I often question the accuracy of such tales. Likely because when I see her doing her thing at the club, the writer in me creates tales of my own about the inevitabilities of what will happen next. Just before I fall asleep I already pan out what I expect to hear from her naughty lips the next day. I’m always sure to send that ‘R u ok?’ Blackberry message, which she never reads that night and which I never wait up to get a response from, knowing I won’t anyways. The next day, when her story doesn’t match my projection, I automatically assume she’s keeping something in, or changing her tale around to sound better. This usually applies to the male lead – I often question whether the guy she allegedly went home with was in fact the guy who ended up at her trendy midtown apartment in the wee hours of the morn (or vice versa.) I didn’t see them talking together the evening prior, and I always seem to have no connection other than the typical ‘acquantance’ type relationship with said person. Perhaps she names a guy who knows the story won’t get back to, as opposed to the original culprit. Perhaps this is my paranoia but it definitely leads me to question how truthful people are when they kiss and tell?

Do you kiss and tell? Kiss and tell = hooking up with a guy and then running to your closest girlfriends to share the dirt on everything (and I mean everything) that transpired.

This tends to include:

– How and where you guys ran into one another (or these days who texted/Facebooked/Blackberry messaged who)
– Who said what to whom
– Whose place/where you ended up
– What you did (And it what positions! And how many times)
– If he was good, bad or average
– What his apartment looked like (if you went to his place)
– His size (unless you see relationship potential)
– What he did that you loved
– What he did that creeped you out
– Anything unique (ie: his trademark)
– Whether it became a stay-the-night affair or a hit-it-and-ditch-it
– If you’d rekindle said romance again
– How you left off

And so, on yet another Sunday at 8 a.m., I get a call from my friend on a cab ride back to her place, clad in her walk-of-shame outfit – a uniform most cab drivers have learned to expect from twentysomethings – at such an early hour on a Sunday. And so the story goes…

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young lady who went out to a ball with her fellow flirtatious female friends, excited to dance the night away and potentially meet a prince. As the evening went on, the group of girls slowly began to separate and this leading lady was spotted by her fellow friends talking to a young, handsome gentleman. As the music played in the background, the belle of the ball played with her hair and batted her eyelashes. The man handed her a drink of her choice and leaned in closer. The next thing she knew, she was giving into temptation, letting her libido overrule her logic. ‘But those eyes’, she thought, ‘His charm,’ she justified to herself. They escaped into the night on a horse-carriage to her knight and shining armour’s palace of love. During the voyage to his kingdom, she promised herself that she would only peck her prince, or as you modern-day ladies call it, ‘going to first base.’ She swore she’d be lady like and would remain strong. But his kisses were so sensual, his touch so teasingly toxic. Before she knew it, she was caught in his embrace, her eyeliner on his stark white pillow, sweat pouring down his face, as he reached over for some tissue. ‘Oh well’ she thought to herself, ‘Maybe next time.’ So much for the tame temptress. She fell back onto the pillow into a half sex-dazed, half passed out blur. As the crack of dawn broke, the heroine’s eyes attempted to open, though her mascara from the night prior made it quite the difficult action. Once they opened, she peered across the room trying to place herself. ‘Oh no’ she thought. She then looked next to the company she didn’t expect next to her, as a flashback of dirty, naughty, scandalous events ran through her pounding head, her blonde hair in nothing short of a rats nest. She rolled her eyes at herself and then plotted her plan out of the kingdom (which just so happened to look more like a shack come daylight). She reached for her scrunched up ball gown and itty bitty underclothes strewn across the bedroom floor, and called herself a pumpkin (no longer a carriage) to take her home, her head held down in shame.

Oh fairy tales, how I love thee. Does the above story ring true for you? Upon your waking hour, what road do you take? Do you take the high road and lock this story in the vault, not disclosing any details, happy with the knowingness that you captured your conquest/got your fix/had your fun? Or do you take the road leading towards detail after detail (after detail) of what happened with those nearest and dearest to you?

I have a girlfriend who is known for keeping her lips sealed after they’ve been not so sealed the night prior. She never kisses and tells and the only times you get a semi-story out of her, is when you hear it from the guy (or the guys friends – oh broken sexual telephone, how i love and loath thee-), or you see them leaving together and put her on the spot the next day when she pretends she left solo early in the eve when she claims the party wasn’t up to her standards, unbeknownst to her that you were the one who put her and man x into the awaiting cab.

Recently, this friend of mine was out at a bar, when she was approached by a mutual friend. “So, you and _______”, he said as he named the name of her latest boy toy. “I heard things got frisky” he said, before he shared the story he heard from his buddy about their romp in the hay. She looked at him shocked at how accurate the play by play was and was shocked he didn’t have a PowerPoint presentation to boot. She felt hurt and utterly insulted that said boy toy kissed and telled and automatically labeled her one-night stand a not-so-standup ass hole. Just because she’s little miss secretive, didn’t mean the guy would be. Tip to girls: you cannot change a kiss and teller. He’s either a talker or he’s not. And lets face it, you are the exact same way so lets not pull this hypocritical hysteria. I think it’s a thing of nature, black or white. The only time this theory actually changes is when you hop on into relationship territory. The kiss and telling is off limits for relationship potential people because those tales become intimate and private. But flings, one-night stands and the recycling of former flames are fair game for the sharing.

Go into an experience with the unknown (ie: a new guy) prepared for the worst. The worst being a guy who leisurely shares sac-session stories with his boys as if he was one of Tiger’s mistresses being paid thousands from trashy tabloids for their in-the-bedroom re-caps. Don’t let your guard down. Have fun but be willing and able to deal with the aftermath in case he is one of the following:

– The over-exaggerater
– The accurate tale teller
– The overly detailed show off
– The read our sext-messages from last night sharer

Perhaps save your kinkyness and trademark tools for sometime down the road when you know him well enough to judge his character (ie: sober, over gradual time) and make an educated decision on whether he will be a kiss and teller and whether you are ok with that. The worst thing would be showing a secret side of you and hearing about it from a complete stranger who happens to be friends with him, detail by detail, as you deny it to him yet know it’s completely accurate. I have a friend who dated a guy for a couple weeks and on date three, he brought toys out into the mix. And not the well known toys, but instead toys that were shockingly risque, especially to bust out with a new girl (let alone, ever.) Guys with goody bags in their main hall closet, guys with a fully stocked goody drawer next to their bed (um, did you expect me here, who are all these tools for anyways?)

The people who do kiss and tell tend to have these traits:

– Love a good story
– Like attention
– Hooked up with a hot as hell mate
– Conquered a conquest
– Feel busted, so share it before it’s shared with them
– To cover up something else covert they did

So play it safe, trust your instincts and trust who you share your stories with. We all know the way of the world, and nothing is ever secret.

Most popular celeb kiss and teller:

John Mayer

– Jenny Jen


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