Meet the Parents

So you’ve had a certain someone in your life for some time now. You’re past the awkward phase and worrysome girliness of where you guys stand, and you’re finally comfortable with this striking gent who has captured just a little bit more than your eye. He’s come over to your place, you’ve gone over to his, and you’re content. The question that begs to be asked, is when is the right time to introduce him to your parents?

Well, I may not have the answer of when the right time is, but I definitely have an answer to when the wrong time is. The morning after. We’ve all been there. You are ever-so-softly and quietly walking down the stairs, your hair all over the place (a rats nest would be an understatement), you’re wearing his t-shirt and whatever the first pair of sweats were that you could find on your floor, and you’re hoping to get away with ‘The Sneak Out’. Getting him out the door without a sign that he spent the night. If you are a twentysomething who doesn’t have the luxury of having your own place, this is likely a scenario you’ve endured. Just when you thought you were at home free, one of your parents pops seemingly out of no where (You hid his shoes! How did they know you had company?) Busted. Luckily though, it’s not some random whats-his-name you met the night before, and you can at least feel slightly less slutty, since they’ve heard his name tossed around the past few months. Emphasis on slightly. The introduction is awkward and as your face begins to grow hot, with a pink hue to match, you pray they don’t shake hands. Then what? Do you kiss the guy goodbye? Perhaps hug? Give him a formal handshake? As your parents stand at the door with you as you send Casanova off, you question what the proper goodbye is, before shutting the door as quickly as possible and tucking down your head in complete in utter shame.
Avoiding or Delaying the First Meeting:
Chances are the guy can’t hop out of your window (or climb out if you live in the basement). So how do you sneak him out successfully? If someone else is home, is there a successful way?
– Be wary of whether or not you have dogs. Dogs tend to lend a hand in the giveaway. Barking the second you open your door an inch to check if the coast is clear, will definitely ruin your chances at subtlety. If you have dogs and want to ensure you don’t get busted, perhaps opt for his place instead.
– Don’t set the alarm when you guys roam in at 3am. This allows the early removal of said guy. Set your alarm for an early hour before you know your parents rise. You can send him on his way and claim the good ‘ol I-was-tipsy-and-totally-forgot-to-set-the-alarm card. This avoids the noise of the alarm being set off in the a.m. from potentially waking up your parents.
– Check in with the parentals before you go for an evening out to ensure there are no family brunches at your house and no cleaning ladies, the next morning. You may be able to sneak him past the parents, but having extra bodies in the house may blow your cover with people who are way more judgemental than your ‘rents.
– Research can save the day. Shoot your parents a text when you wake up to see what their plan is for the day. Middle-agers always seem to have To Do lists to conquer on weekends. It would be just your luck if they have something going on that morning. You can work the timing of ‘The Sneak Out’ accordingly.
– When in doubt – if you are not ready to run the risk of having the man in your life meeting your parents just yet – then call him a cab. I feel like a rat just saying that, but it puts the pressure on to ensure he’s out before they get up. Explain and apologize, but put yourself and your need for no awkwardness first. At the end of the day, Romeo will understand. If he takes offence or holds a grudge, maybe he’s not the guy for you after all.
For Those Brave, Blonde, Bronzed, Twentysomething Soles Who Dare to Introduce on The Morning After:
It may make you feel a tad ok with the idea when you hear this: A thirtysomething friend of mine who is now married, first met her mother-in-law in a morning after experience. Sure it was awkward. For a while, she avoided going back to her now-husbands house altogether, and spent many-a-days replaying that ‘episode’ in her head, feeling mortified every time. That being said, the moment comes and goes and we all go on with our lives. I don’t recommend doing it, but just so you know, there is still some hope.
– Make it short and sweet. Introduce them on a first name basis, but don’t stop walking. Do the introduction as you continue to send him out the door. This ensures that no discussions come up, and no lingering.
– If he stayed the night, chances are you’ve…done what you’ve done. So no need for at-the-door make out sessions, staged hugs or the typical morning after peck on the cheek in front of your parents. They don’t need to see that. You have two options: Say goodbye and shut the door, or do ‘The Walk Out’, in which you walk him out to his car, (or friends car, or cab, etc.) and say goodbye to him outside. Not only does it make you look considerate, but it’s a mature way to take ahold of the situation.
If You are At His Place:
– When you go out of your territory, you lose control over how ‘The Morning After’ will pan out. My advice ladies: go to your place, get a hotel, or don’t spend the night.
– Walkout basement bedrooms are a pre-meeting the parents-girls’ fantasy. You can get on out at your leisure. Be wary of guys who have basement rooms with cold cellars in the basement. Nothing like a parent walking downstairs to get more water bottles to stock in the fridge and having to pretend not to see you in bed with their son.
– Avoid guys who don’t have a washroom in their bedroom and whose parents sleep with their door open. Nothing beats the feeling of getting caught like walking past his parents room in his sweatshirt and a pair of Hanky Panky’s to go wash off in the washroom.
The best way to avoid meeting his parents is not putting yourself in that position in the first place. You may be blonde, but you’re brighter than that. Suggest your place, or feel free to take him up on his offer of a hotel if it comes up. Just remember, in the morning you’ll need to do the walk of shame, and that may be tougher than meeting the parents. Especially when you’re at an upscale hotel.
– Jenny Jen

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