How to seal the deal (by using technology) 101

You’re here; he’s there.

You hear that tell tale sign coming from your BlackBerry Bold and it’s just what you were hoping for.  He initiated a message over BBM and it is in that very moment that you’re all too reassured that you shouldn’t have switched over to the dark side, as they say.  Because to get a BBM from a crush, is to have a butterfly induced stomach; one of the best feelings in the world.  And so – though you’re in the middle of working or doing that in which you are -  you immediately R his D and write back a witty, cutesy, attempt-to-win-him-over kind of message.  This, my speedy thumb typer you, is flirting at it’s finest.  He’s at a distance so can’t see you blushing madly.  He can’t feel your passionate (and perhaps over-excited energy.)  He can however read your words in a timely fashion, maintaining convo throughout the day all in the setting of a business meeting he’s sitting in.  How sneaky; how racy.  How addicting.

I’ve always loved the way we can get to know someone over BBM.  We can see their display images and of course, judge them for how they are choosing to rep themselves.  We can get to know how they write, spell, communicate.  We get to borderline spend their day with them, even though we might be worlds apart.  As you’re getting to know someone, I truly think that this is the best mode of communication.  You more old-school types are likely shaking your heads at the computer, at me, but we are in the now.  We are busy, successful, on-the-go twentysomethings and this is a way to reach out without interupting your own day.  Sitting at a dinner table on an evening out with the girls?  You can BBM him without others eavesdropping.  See something oh so cute that you can’t put into words, you can shoot him an image of it easily through BBM without it costing you a thing (financially and time wise.)

I had the opportunity to speak on a panel called “Love in the Digital Age,” for Social Media Week in Toronto back in February.  In case you missed the live stream or weren’t in attendance, I spoke about the importance of building a connection with someone over this forum.  By messaging them each day and communicating to get to know each other; to strengthen a bond.  So if you’re sitting around wondering why things are going so slow with you two and why he hasn’t asked you out yet, add him on BBM and set the wheels in motion.  Create a daily dialect so he associates you as part of his daily life.  Plus hopefully, he’ll have the courage to ask you out in this ‘less pressure’ kind of forum.  You dig?

- Jenny Jen

A defensive person is a weak one

I never thought I’d ever start of a blog post with this but, I was watching The Bachelorette the other night…

…and I noticed two guys quarreling and I actually had to look away.  Why did I look away?  Because one guy offended the other by making a comment about his kid, and daddy dearest immediately got defensive and aggressive, two of the worst traits in a gent if I do say so myself (cheap a close third.)  And it was in that moment that I felt ever-so-grateful for doing an 8-week-mindfulness program in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) because it taught me how to cope and deal both when I feel heated and/or I’m dealing with someone who is heated.

I thought I’d share some insights so you never replicate that scene I wish I never saw on the screen.  Because let’s face it, no one wants to be friends with – let alone date or be in a relationship with – someone who blows up immediately.  Someone who can’t manage their emotions.  Someone who makes people feel so on edge that no matter what they do to apologize, they go unheard.  Someone who is defensive.  We see through that stuff.  It says more about the person acting that way than it does the person who offended them.  If only they knew just how reactive and seemingly insecure they come off as.

And so:

1. Don’t react but respond: When someone offends you, don’t react.  Take time to let your emotions calm before approaching the subject.

2. Rewind: When you catch yourself on the verge of defensiveness, stop yourself in your tracks.  Delete the message you’re about to send.  Hand up the phone (or don’t call in the first place.)

3. Be aware: If you feel the need to putting someone down, by using names, getting under their skin, or becoming aggressive pay attention to what the core issue actually is.  Are you trying to bring them down to how low you feel?  Why do you want to make them feel worse off?  In order to change your actions you need to beware of where they stem from.

Those who are most admired are those who don’t let others walk all over them and handle situations in a way that’s assertive.  That means they are honest and speak up at the time or after the fact at what the issue is offering a way to solve it to ensure it doesn’t happen again.  This people are admired because they are communicating effectively.  After all, wouldn’t you rather surround yourself with those who make you feel great about yourself, who understand issues might arise on occasion, but they can be resolved amicably rather than someone who is judging you and making you feel worse off?  Set the bar, baby girl.  We teach people how to treat us by what we are willing to put up with.

- Jenny Jen

Photo credit: Source.

Blonde, bronzed, twentysomething in TeenVOGUE

Long distance relationships and all that jazz.  Check out my expert advice as featured in: teenvogue.com.

- Jenny Jen

Miss You (A song by The Rolling Stones)

To miss is to remember in a way likely tainted.  Likely confused.  Something as simple as a trigger could remind us of something we once had, even if it had been so far from our mind up until that point.  And so when we realize that in which we miss, we have some choices to make.  We can distract and destruct by drinking, by focusing on anything but.  We can soak up the sadness and run wild in our head of the then’s vs. the now’s.  Or we can do what I would say is the healthiest of options: accept that though we might miss them, be realistic at what lead us apart in the first place and realize where we have come since then; how we’ve developed.

There are going to be good days.  There are going to be great days.  But every now and then, there will be tough days or days that test your strength.  It’s those days which allow your true character to seep out.  It’s those hard moments (and not the easy-to-come-by ones) that really show you just how strong you are.  Just what you are in control of.

So don’t lose control and don’t give an off day the benefit of taking over you, your emotions, your psyche.  When we accept things as they are, we let them out in the open and they can pass us by.  But when you push them down or hide beneath plans and distractions you can be doing yourself more harm than good.

Reach out to a friend or family member if the going get’s tough.  They are there to remind you of the reality of it all and to provide you with that inner strength you may have forgotten momentarily that you withhold.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: speaking up and asking for a shoulder or an ear doesn’t make one weak.  In fact, it makes one more strong because it shows that you are willing to admit to your flaws and faults and not fear judgment.

But it’s your current support network that can help you and not the one you’re missing.  Life is about growing, about moving forward.  Don’t act out of these raw, momentary feelings but instead observe them with one you trust and let them pass you by.  Tomorrow, it will be but a distant memory, just like them.

- Jenny Jen

Photo credit: Source.

Picking and Choosing

“I can’t get together tonight,” he utters as he goes on to tell you he’s back on the health track, trying not to indulge in drinking and meals out and late nights. Instead he insists that he intends to start off the week by hitting the gym, eating healthy and saving himself for the long weekend.  Instead of being offended you’re actually kind of proud.  It takes quite some self-restraint to say no to drinks with you, you pretty girl you, and for him to put his health first. You’re likely in awe.  You likely might hit the gym and avoid the bottle yourself.  But when you guys message back and forth the next evening, it becomes way more off-putting when he tells you he’s out with one of his boys for drinks than it would have been if he didn’t drown you in – what now seem like excuses – the night prior.

A guy who gives up, a guy who doesn’t keep his word, isn’t one many of us can say we are in awe of.  He becomes more confusing as we see him conflicting with himself.  Because, ladies, whether one can profess and keep commitments they made, especially to themselves, says much about their character.

So what do we learn from baring witness to one who teeter-totters who are all over the map?  Does this mean if we just try harder, or push a little harder he will likely fall prey to our ways and will give in to us too?  Does this mean we should cut him off so his inability to keep his word doesn’t rub off on us?

The answer is simple: If your feelings aren’t involved in this guy and you only see him as a playmate, worry not about his flightiness.  Go with the flow and feel free to treat him likewise.  He’s not your problem and there’s no need to take who he chooses to see, and whether he chooses to go out with friends personally.  If however, there is a little something more there be aware that this is a tendency of his.  To say one thing and to do another.

A guy who picks and chooses his poison and company and lacks consistency is sending you some mixed messages to say the least. So, it should be noted mixed messages in this forum may be representative of other mixed messages he might be sending about other things in relation to you.  Just sayin.

- Jenny Jen

Photo credit: Source.

Give yourself a break

We do.  We act.  We analyze our actions.  We regret.

We are beings who are always judging, especially ourselves.  We are labeling our actions and words and decisions as good, as bad, as ugly.  We then feel either proud or ashamed or guilty and the days go on with us labeling everything and feeling accordingly.   Sounds exhausting, non?

Can’t we accept that the way the world works is through balance?  Through highs and lows; good and bad, better or worse?

It’s really rather a gift to catch yourself one morning going over the night prior (or at least that which you can remember.)  Your thoughts might look something like: I drank too much/I was embarrassing/I shouldn’t have given out my number/I shouldn’t have given out myself.  But no matter what they are, these seemingly innocent thoughts are anything but.  They are not only destructive, but they keep you in a very structured and regimented sense of self.  If you see yourself as a “good girl,” and your actions don’t follow suit one day, you then likely feel off center and try to put pieces together to understand why you weren’t that one time.

We have these concepts and ideas about our own character and when we act outside of that, we should just accept it for what it is instead of putting on so much pressure on ourselves to explain it.  Things become character traits when done over and over again.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  On the idea of yourself.  The more you let go of this tendency, this need, you will live a more freeing life.  Promise, pretty.  Soak up the random experiences.  Live a little.

- Jenny Jen

Photo credit: Source.

The lies we ALL tell ourselves

We are all such multifaceted, talented young ladies.  A simple look at my group of lady friends and I see women who are ready to take over the world.  Bright.  Ambitious.  Successful.  Beautiful in all senses of the word.  So it is no wonder being all these great things we are also great at fooling ourselves.  At telling ourselves stories to make things easier.  At putting up a blind eye because, well, as Woody Allen says “Why ruin a good story with the truth.”  The problem with this mentality, with this taking the easy way out, is that we lose sight of that inner strength and wisdom we pride ourselves on.  That we’re known for.

Case in point: You ask the guy you’re seeing in advance if he wants to coordinate a sleepover and to rendez-vous later in the eve (note: it’s a Saturday,) and he says he can’t commit to plans right now.  This my lady is exactly what it sounds like.  So no excuses, no self talk about not wanting to be a nag changes the words he is actually saying.  What he is saying is you are not a priority, and he wants to leave his options open.  If you tell yourself otherwise, if you still see him, shame on you.  The guy who is into you, who is rip-your-clothes-off attracted to you will book you in.  Will forego hitting up a late night diner, post evening.  Will forego hitting up an afterparty.  He’ll be at his place (or yours) or will grab you in a cab, bright eye and bushy tailed.  Extra points if your playmate leaves his plans early because he can’t bare to wait but another moment to get you, well, bare.

Exhibit B: Facebook issues.  You started seeing someone (again) and request him as a friend on Facebook and he fails to accept your friend request.  Perhaps he tells you he knows how you are and doesn’t want you to be bothered by past wall posts, but the truth baby girl, is that he likely doesn’t want others to know you’re back in contact.  You seeing past posts and getting worked up is your problem, not his.  He might be ashamed for coming back to you.  Hey – he might even feel weak, even though you’re the babe that you are.  But if he is not willing to do something as minor as accept a friend request, he doesn’t deserve anything as major as your time, energy and body.

I can go on and on (and on) with examples, but truth is we know it as it’s happening.  We might write it off and say we don’t care.  And who knows, maybe the dude is self protecting and putting up a wall to not build an attachment, but what it comes down to is knowing your worth.  Even if you’re not currently looking for The One, even if you just want to have fun with someone you know down to the core, know that we teach people how to treat us by what we are willing to put up with.  You deserve the world, beauty, so don’t accept anything less than.

- Jenny Jen

Photo credit: Source.